Our lives are generally filled with a variety of people and things that need chunks of our time throughout the week. If you are anything like me, you have a list of "things to do" which is continually growing, and requires constant reprioritizations. For some of us, this list is the source of our stress, and for others, the list is what keeps them sane. I had been told in a church group that you can look at where you spend your money to know what you prioritize, but I think a better tool is to look at this list, and know what you don't prioritize. I am guilty of neglecting my car, my bicycle, my workouts, and my husband this weekend. I did manage to take care of my chores around the house, got some errands run at the pharmacy that I'd been putting off, spent quality time with a quality friend, and even managed to spend some time with family from out of town. Every day is spent deciding what will take up each hour of each day. To me, there is no "free" time. There is only the time that could be spent knocking off one of the 30 items on that to-do list.
Training for ironman takes up a lot of "free" time. I had a lot of great workouts this weekend including a personal record setting 6:40 century ride, my first 4 miles running at south mountain, a 20 mile run- all outside for the first time since Australia, and a 3500 yd swim where my left shoulder held up the entire way. These are all great, but that is 12 hours of the weekend dedicated to training- and I slacked off! I missed swim drills, spin class, a 20 mile bike ride, and weight training. The time I spend training is often "me-time", where I can reflect on life and enjoy the feeling of accomplishing a difficult workout. The will-power required to get through some of these workouts is often more than I have available to me. Trying to constantly get myself to do things because I should can really wear on me, and leaves me mentally exhausted. I always thought of training as "taking care of my needs/wants". Sometimes it is just that, but other times, it is just another chore I need to finish.
Last week was a week of chore workouts. I didn't do many of my key workouts because I just felt tired. I caught up on a lot of sleep, which was needed, but I felt like I had failed as an athlete. I remember thinking I would never be ready for the race, that I just wasn't in the right shape to succeed. I had completed a 2 mile open water swim for the first time that week, but I did not make an effort to stay focused on the positive because I did not understand that dwelling on my initial failure would only feed my next.
This week is different. First, my workouts were not all chores. I was able to go a new route on my bike- which was beautiful, by the way. I set an easy goal for my first outdoor hill workout. But, most importantly, I let myself be imperfect. I felt guilty about things, yes, but I did not dwell on who/what was neglected, but tried to focus on what got accomplished and who I spent my time with. Yes, I do need to take my car in still, and my dogs didn't get walked every day, and sure I missed some good workouts. But, I did a lot of housework, got to hike with Isha, run with Pepe, spend time with my dad, see my aunt and uncle, visit with a friend, go out to a movie with Steve, and even took 2 hours to have my hair done so I could finally feel feminine. I still have plenty to get to on my list, and of course it is always in the back of my mind, but I will get one thing checked off at a time, and feel proud for getting it done. And, at the end of the week, if I am smiling, and the people I love are smiling too, then I have balanced things well, and I can let go of the guilt for not getting every item checked off my list because there are only so many hours in the day, and I have spent them well.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
A Summary of the pros and cons of vacation
A rather extravagant vacation spent cruising around Australia should have absolutely no negatives! And I do not pretend that the negatives are anything more than the brutality of returning to real world. Australia is amazing. I was able to encounter all new animals, and experienced snorkeling at the GBR which was more beautiful than anything I've seen to date. The animal parks let us pet koalas, kangaroos, wallabies, and even a couple of dingo pups! Every adventure we went on was unique, and we enjoyed a variety of activities from snorkeling to beer tasting (alcoholic ginger beer was particularly interesting). The time on board the ship was filled with activities including quizzes, ping pong, darts, spin class, and even hitting the dance floor until 2:00 in the morning. We met a lot of fun people, including a couple of Canadian girls around our age. They were a nice change from the average 68 year old population on the boat.
The trouble with Australia, though, is that it requires a minimum of 18 hours on an airplane or in an airport to get there. Airplanes that fly across the world though, have some pretty sweet entertainment installed. I played Tetris for at least an hour before watching a movie, and then they served dinner, then I got peppermint tea, and took a nap. It wasn't too uncomfortable, really, but sleeping wasn't really the best.
The trouble with cruising is, of course, the 24 hour buffet, and the dessert and cheese carts. Needless to say, there were not enough spin classes to burn off the chocolate mud cake and peanut butter cookies consumed during my vacation. And, as I face the consequence of such indulgence, I find getting myself back to healthy eating a bit of a relief. I spent a couple of nights on the boat with a stomach ache from too much sugar, and it is nice to know there will not be so many free desserts near me for a long time :-). Another issue I had with this particular trip was the lack of mint leaves available. This may not be a big negative, but my drink of choice is a mojito! I had to "settle" for some crazy delicious pineapple beach drink or red wine.
The return to reality started with the flights home. This was a 36 hour process including 4 flights and 3 countries. I can officially say I have been to New Zealand though. The flights and airports did not allow for very good sleeping conditions. I would nap for an hour, and wake up in serious pain! I am also not great at going this long without a swim/bike/run ha ha. But, once it was all said and done, and we were home, reality hit even harder with the loads of laundry requiring attention. Oh, chores, how I did not miss you. My dad gave me a huge break though, because he had taken care of the house while we were away, washed the cars, and even bathed the dogs :-). Our dogs were very happy to have us home, and Ayesha is still insisting on snuggling next to me when I am home.
And, of course, I have returned to my training schedule. It was strange to get down to only 4 workouts a week. At first, I felt like that would be a terrible setback, but I have so much more mental energy for training that it is actually better that I took the time to completely relax. 3 months to go until IM, and I am reinvigorated, and ready to push to the end!
The trouble with Australia, though, is that it requires a minimum of 18 hours on an airplane or in an airport to get there. Airplanes that fly across the world though, have some pretty sweet entertainment installed. I played Tetris for at least an hour before watching a movie, and then they served dinner, then I got peppermint tea, and took a nap. It wasn't too uncomfortable, really, but sleeping wasn't really the best.
The trouble with cruising is, of course, the 24 hour buffet, and the dessert and cheese carts. Needless to say, there were not enough spin classes to burn off the chocolate mud cake and peanut butter cookies consumed during my vacation. And, as I face the consequence of such indulgence, I find getting myself back to healthy eating a bit of a relief. I spent a couple of nights on the boat with a stomach ache from too much sugar, and it is nice to know there will not be so many free desserts near me for a long time :-). Another issue I had with this particular trip was the lack of mint leaves available. This may not be a big negative, but my drink of choice is a mojito! I had to "settle" for some crazy delicious pineapple beach drink or red wine.
The return to reality started with the flights home. This was a 36 hour process including 4 flights and 3 countries. I can officially say I have been to New Zealand though. The flights and airports did not allow for very good sleeping conditions. I would nap for an hour, and wake up in serious pain! I am also not great at going this long without a swim/bike/run ha ha. But, once it was all said and done, and we were home, reality hit even harder with the loads of laundry requiring attention. Oh, chores, how I did not miss you. My dad gave me a huge break though, because he had taken care of the house while we were away, washed the cars, and even bathed the dogs :-). Our dogs were very happy to have us home, and Ayesha is still insisting on snuggling next to me when I am home.
And, of course, I have returned to my training schedule. It was strange to get down to only 4 workouts a week. At first, I felt like that would be a terrible setback, but I have so much more mental energy for training that it is actually better that I took the time to completely relax. 3 months to go until IM, and I am reinvigorated, and ready to push to the end!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
If at first you don't succeed. . . try harder
Yes, back to a blog about training, sweating, and overcoming pain to become a stronger, faster, and leaner triathlete!
"Piss poor planning" has been the theme of my failed workouts as of late:
A couple of weeks ago, I had to swing by the Circle K to fill up my water bottle because it had slipped my mind that I was running in JULY! Lovely woman cleaning the bathroom apologized and said I could use the toilet. I was embarrassed to say I only needed to get some water. I was actually embarrassed that I didn't need to pee. Peeing isn't the result of poor planning. It is the result of being well hydrated, or having a weak bladder. What I needed was life-giving water because I thought I could run 8 miles on 24 ounces of H2O. Well, lesson learned. I would not be trying to run more than 6 miles without taking my fuel belt.
This weekend had some challenges that I would not have predicted. My 20 mile run ended at mile 6 due to soaking wet running shoes. I'm not above running in wet sneakers for a race, but for training, i'll just schedule a long run when I can complete it blister free thank you very much. My run started out well, I woke up from a nap (sleep was, by the way, the theme for the weekend), and I started off strong, felt like 20 miles would be a snap. Well, 2 miles in, a few drops of rain. Ah, that's refreshing! No need to worry, a little lightning in the distance, but I couldn't hear thunder, so I'm sure I'll be okay. The winds started picking up, and I hit mile 3- the furthest from home that I could be - and then the rain took things up a notch. I was no longer running through a friendly drizzle. There was a genuine worry that I might drown before I finished the 3 mile route home. My t-shirt was soaked in seconds. My glasses needed little wipers, though I had not had them installed yet (poor planning). Not gonna lie, the rain made me feel like a badass. The thunder which was now very loud and pretty much in synch with the flashes of lightning, made me wish I'd bothered to check weather.com before starting this adventure (I know it is monsoon season, what was I thinking?). I returned safely home, but as previously discussed, my shoes were soaked. I thought about finishing up the run on the treadmill, but poor planning sabotaged me again! I forgot to bring headphones, and running felt too much like the chores I was trying to avoid by going running, and so I did the laundry and cleaned the house instead. At least the house looks better :-).
The next fail was my long ride. I tried to do this at midnight, having lost a bit of sleep the night before due to appointments in the afternoon and being too cool for a nap. My fail occured at 16 miles our of 80. I thought I was going to fall asleep on my bike. That happens more often than you'd think. I think it is because my body doesn't know when I want it to be awake anymore (body, here's a hint, if we are wearing a helmet, I want you awake!). I went home and crashed. . .woke up to eat. . .crashed. . .answered text messages. . .crashed. . .woke up to eat. . . crashed. 18 hours of z's later, and I was ready to try that ride again. I hopped on my bike at midnight again, and blasted through 100 miles as if to say, "All I needed was a short coma".
So, the take-away lesson here is that if at first you don't succeed, tack 20 miles onto your initial goal, and then give it another go :-).
"Piss poor planning" has been the theme of my failed workouts as of late:
A couple of weeks ago, I had to swing by the Circle K to fill up my water bottle because it had slipped my mind that I was running in JULY! Lovely woman cleaning the bathroom apologized and said I could use the toilet. I was embarrassed to say I only needed to get some water. I was actually embarrassed that I didn't need to pee. Peeing isn't the result of poor planning. It is the result of being well hydrated, or having a weak bladder. What I needed was life-giving water because I thought I could run 8 miles on 24 ounces of H2O. Well, lesson learned. I would not be trying to run more than 6 miles without taking my fuel belt.
This weekend had some challenges that I would not have predicted. My 20 mile run ended at mile 6 due to soaking wet running shoes. I'm not above running in wet sneakers for a race, but for training, i'll just schedule a long run when I can complete it blister free thank you very much. My run started out well, I woke up from a nap (sleep was, by the way, the theme for the weekend), and I started off strong, felt like 20 miles would be a snap. Well, 2 miles in, a few drops of rain. Ah, that's refreshing! No need to worry, a little lightning in the distance, but I couldn't hear thunder, so I'm sure I'll be okay. The winds started picking up, and I hit mile 3- the furthest from home that I could be - and then the rain took things up a notch. I was no longer running through a friendly drizzle. There was a genuine worry that I might drown before I finished the 3 mile route home. My t-shirt was soaked in seconds. My glasses needed little wipers, though I had not had them installed yet (poor planning). Not gonna lie, the rain made me feel like a badass. The thunder which was now very loud and pretty much in synch with the flashes of lightning, made me wish I'd bothered to check weather.com before starting this adventure (I know it is monsoon season, what was I thinking?). I returned safely home, but as previously discussed, my shoes were soaked. I thought about finishing up the run on the treadmill, but poor planning sabotaged me again! I forgot to bring headphones, and running felt too much like the chores I was trying to avoid by going running, and so I did the laundry and cleaned the house instead. At least the house looks better :-).
The next fail was my long ride. I tried to do this at midnight, having lost a bit of sleep the night before due to appointments in the afternoon and being too cool for a nap. My fail occured at 16 miles our of 80. I thought I was going to fall asleep on my bike. That happens more often than you'd think. I think it is because my body doesn't know when I want it to be awake anymore (body, here's a hint, if we are wearing a helmet, I want you awake!). I went home and crashed. . .woke up to eat. . .crashed. . .answered text messages. . .crashed. . .woke up to eat. . . crashed. 18 hours of z's later, and I was ready to try that ride again. I hopped on my bike at midnight again, and blasted through 100 miles as if to say, "All I needed was a short coma".
So, the take-away lesson here is that if at first you don't succeed, tack 20 miles onto your initial goal, and then give it another go :-).
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Over the Rainbow
The tornado that picked up my life and dropped my house on some unsuspecting witch has landed me in munchkin land. I am currently journeying away from the munchkins down the yellow-brick road with Toto, the scarecrow, tin man and the cowardly lion. I believe there will surely be a visit from the wicked witch and some flying monkeys in the near future, but it will all be worth it if we can make it to oz!
The continuation of my story. . .
Assertiveness has never been a strength of mine, but always something I knew I should aspire to. I knew my home was unhealthy. My relationship with my husband was shaken. I looked for solutions, but all the kind ones took too much time, and by then it might be too late to recover (I may have already waited too long).
I sat across the table of a coffee shop, sharing caffeine and conversation with a close friend, and came to a realization. It didn't matter what I was comfortable doing. It didn't matter how meek I may have wanted to be or how this whole thing wasn't my fault. I was the only one who could do the right thing, no matter how seemingly evil, and save the whole lot of us from the tornado ripping through our lives. And, with the love and support of at least one friend, I went to my husband and told him we would be giving a deadline to our guest to leave us.
The deadline I told him turned out to be her birthday, and while this is unfortunate in one way, it is also very poetic. What better day to start a new journey than on the anniversary of your birth? I picked the day because she would not have the kids to worry about, and could try to focus on getting on track. Within the next three days, she was setting up job interviews, applying for jobs she was too proud to think about before, and, in general, getting her shit together. Like a gazelle fleeing a predator, she was intense. I had never had much respect for her until after I told her to move out of my house into a shelter.
The days leading up to her leaving were incredibly uncomfortable. I tried to avoid her and the kids as much as possible. They had every reason to think I was pure evil because I had kicked them out of their home. I felt no guilt. Anger, fear, distrust, jealousy and sadness were there to fill me and fuel me. I let myself feel everything, and I found it easy to know why I was so upset. It was, of course, not as easy to talk about.
The day of her departure, it was determined that her car, which had given her some trouble over the weekend, would not be cost-effective to repair. That was a strange moment for me. She didn't get a break. All these things had fallen apart for her, and whether she had been causing her life to go in this direction or if God was teaching her some new lesson, or the bad karma she'd collected over the years was coming back to get her, enough was enough. I had been given many breaks in my life that I did nothing to earn. I was in a position to do this for her, and with some counsel from my dad, it was determined that it was not the stupidest financial decision a young woman could make. I got home, jumped on the computer and started shopping. My husband asked what I was doing, and when I casually replied, "I'm buying her a minivan", my husband made me repeat myself, and then got all crazy and excited about doing something this "big" for someone. And so, with my giddy husband in tow, I set off to buy my first minivan.
The purchasing of vehicles in one of my top 10 worst nightmares (somewhere after having 5 children and another woman living in my home). And, worse yet, I had to buy a minivan. I promised myself I would never own a minivan. . . That is as it is, though, and I went through the process of selecting and purchasing a decent minivan. So, we came home and presented the van with a birthday card. And that is when things started to wrap up nicely for my story. Hugs and tears were shared, and forgiveness was given and received. From there, I figured, we were resolved, and my home would restore itself to a peaceful place.
That vision is something to strive for, but it will be a while yet before it can be obtained. My husband is struggling with some serious anxiety from the situation, and has needed the ear of many friends and family members. Me? I'm as I've always been, strong and resilient, beautiful and brilliant. . . And though the world falls apart around me, I can feel calm because I know it is a moment in time, and it will soon be gone.
The continuation of my story. . .
Assertiveness has never been a strength of mine, but always something I knew I should aspire to. I knew my home was unhealthy. My relationship with my husband was shaken. I looked for solutions, but all the kind ones took too much time, and by then it might be too late to recover (I may have already waited too long).
I sat across the table of a coffee shop, sharing caffeine and conversation with a close friend, and came to a realization. It didn't matter what I was comfortable doing. It didn't matter how meek I may have wanted to be or how this whole thing wasn't my fault. I was the only one who could do the right thing, no matter how seemingly evil, and save the whole lot of us from the tornado ripping through our lives. And, with the love and support of at least one friend, I went to my husband and told him we would be giving a deadline to our guest to leave us.
The deadline I told him turned out to be her birthday, and while this is unfortunate in one way, it is also very poetic. What better day to start a new journey than on the anniversary of your birth? I picked the day because she would not have the kids to worry about, and could try to focus on getting on track. Within the next three days, she was setting up job interviews, applying for jobs she was too proud to think about before, and, in general, getting her shit together. Like a gazelle fleeing a predator, she was intense. I had never had much respect for her until after I told her to move out of my house into a shelter.
The days leading up to her leaving were incredibly uncomfortable. I tried to avoid her and the kids as much as possible. They had every reason to think I was pure evil because I had kicked them out of their home. I felt no guilt. Anger, fear, distrust, jealousy and sadness were there to fill me and fuel me. I let myself feel everything, and I found it easy to know why I was so upset. It was, of course, not as easy to talk about.
The day of her departure, it was determined that her car, which had given her some trouble over the weekend, would not be cost-effective to repair. That was a strange moment for me. She didn't get a break. All these things had fallen apart for her, and whether she had been causing her life to go in this direction or if God was teaching her some new lesson, or the bad karma she'd collected over the years was coming back to get her, enough was enough. I had been given many breaks in my life that I did nothing to earn. I was in a position to do this for her, and with some counsel from my dad, it was determined that it was not the stupidest financial decision a young woman could make. I got home, jumped on the computer and started shopping. My husband asked what I was doing, and when I casually replied, "I'm buying her a minivan", my husband made me repeat myself, and then got all crazy and excited about doing something this "big" for someone. And so, with my giddy husband in tow, I set off to buy my first minivan.
The purchasing of vehicles in one of my top 10 worst nightmares (somewhere after having 5 children and another woman living in my home). And, worse yet, I had to buy a minivan. I promised myself I would never own a minivan. . . That is as it is, though, and I went through the process of selecting and purchasing a decent minivan. So, we came home and presented the van with a birthday card. And that is when things started to wrap up nicely for my story. Hugs and tears were shared, and forgiveness was given and received. From there, I figured, we were resolved, and my home would restore itself to a peaceful place.
That vision is something to strive for, but it will be a while yet before it can be obtained. My husband is struggling with some serious anxiety from the situation, and has needed the ear of many friends and family members. Me? I'm as I've always been, strong and resilient, beautiful and brilliant. . . And though the world falls apart around me, I can feel calm because I know it is a moment in time, and it will soon be gone.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Being Civil
Facebook, texting, and twitter have completely ruined humanity's ability to be civil. All the passive-aggressive bullshit posts are starting to make me wonder if anyone is really happy with anyone in their lives anymore. I unfriended my husband last week- what a bullshit thing to do! How did we get here? There is a reason why talking to someone face to face about your problem with their current bad habit or the mean thing they implied about you, is uncomfortable. We're supposed to feel apprehension about what we say, not just blurt out whatever is annoying us for the world to see. Oh, look how far we've fallen! People grow close and end up hating each other in a span of months or weeks. We think all our friends need to see that we are having a terrible day. That used to be private. That used to be something you shared over a cup of coffee with your coworker or a beer with a friend. Now, we're just hunched over our iPhone or computer screen bitching about a world we don't even participate in. Talking behind someone's back is normal. We all need to vent once in a while about the boss who took his personal issues out on you, or the friend who implied you'd put on a few pounds. We need to let that out because otherwise it starts to matter too much, and who needs that? But now there is jabbing and not-so-subtle implications thrown about on a website for all your friends to see and comment on. Great, talk about dirty laundry. Who unfriends their husband on facebook??? That's just uncalled for. Oh, what circumstances could lead to such an unfortunate slip in my sanity and peace of mind? And the story is one worth telling. No insults, but here is my take on what has happened in my life these past few weeks:
My husband began to spend time with a friend of his from his old Target days. This person was, of course, a girl, and that automatically puts a wife on edge. I do not allow jealousy to overwhelm, and have trust in my husband, so I did not believe this fact was terribly concerning. Because they had reconnected on Facebook, they tended to talk a lot and got to know each other "well" over the next week. I put "well" in quotes because no one gets to know anyone over Facebook, we all just give you the information that makes us seem pleasant and let you think we've got no character flaws. Before my return from Austin, where I was doing training for work, I had been asked if this girl could stay with us with her 5 children for a couple of weeks while she got all the details worked out for her new apartment. Why not? A couple of weeks can't be too bad.
I came home to the usual stresses of returning to routine. I now had 5 children living in my house, though. I have never been bad with kids, but I find playing with kids draining and stressfull. This is because I care about their wellbeing, probably. That is neither here nor there, the stress of the kids was nothing compared to the stress of the other two adults currently residing with me. I can remember the first time I really felt betrayed by my husband. I saw him in the kitchen talking with his new buddy as she was making us dinner. I asked him to keep me company in the kitchen on so many occasions only to be blown off for sports or some stand-up comedian. But this woman gets his full attention as she cleans and cuts potatoes. I could not understand why the events hurt me so badly, so I did not mention anything, figuring it was all unfounded and ridiculous. More and more, things would jump out as thing he would do to help this friend of his, but would be too tired or not want to do for me. It ate at me until I found myself halfway through an 18 mile run in tears, kneeling on the pavement. I was heart-broken. I was not worth mowing the lawn for, but every ounce of energy my husband had could be spent on his new girl. I couldn't finish my run. As is the response of all of us who would rather flee than fight, I packed my things, and got ready to spend a night elsewhere. At this time, I unfriended my husband on facebook- mostly to avoid seeing his posts about his mood changes- all based on how he felt about his new girl. It was, of course, at 3AM, and I started putting my things in bags. This woke up my husband, and he wanted to know where I was going. I explained, he apologized, and I did not leave.
Meanwhile, the job and housing fell through for our guest. This increased the stress in her life and the uncertainty of when we would have our living space back put my husband and me on edge. But, I am developing a good sense of self, and I found myself trying to make the best of things. I played with the kids when they were there, but kept in mind that my own sanity was my primary concern, so I would head out to the gym if things felt too stressful or if I needed alone time. I am trying to be mindful of the present and not spend so much energy wishing things were different. It allowed me to enjoy moments I would have never had if I'd continued to be captain grumpy pants. And so things turned, and I was at genuinely happy while in a transient set of unhappiness.
Arguments began occurring and hurt feelings were being had by the other 2 "grown-ups" in the house, and I realized what an unhealthy home I was suddenly and unwillingly a part of. Oh, the facebook posts and twitter feeds would fly, and letters and text messages and all out fights were commonplace in my once peaceful abode. My days off were spent hearing my husband complain or talk about how he felt guilty about things, and his stress was near palpable. I am loyal, and do not like to see my friends hurt or damaged by unhealthy relationships. I certainly did not want my husband hurt, and tried to advise him to let things go and not worry about her, and to hit the gym to relieve some stress. My advice and my suggestions went unheeded. If I were my husband I would ask why he even talks to me if he is not going to listen to any of my life-saving suggestions, but I am willing to be patient because I like to say, "I told you so". And, while frustrated by the situation, I stayed mindful, repeating, "It is what it is."
TO BE CONTINUED. . .
My husband began to spend time with a friend of his from his old Target days. This person was, of course, a girl, and that automatically puts a wife on edge. I do not allow jealousy to overwhelm, and have trust in my husband, so I did not believe this fact was terribly concerning. Because they had reconnected on Facebook, they tended to talk a lot and got to know each other "well" over the next week. I put "well" in quotes because no one gets to know anyone over Facebook, we all just give you the information that makes us seem pleasant and let you think we've got no character flaws. Before my return from Austin, where I was doing training for work, I had been asked if this girl could stay with us with her 5 children for a couple of weeks while she got all the details worked out for her new apartment. Why not? A couple of weeks can't be too bad.
I came home to the usual stresses of returning to routine. I now had 5 children living in my house, though. I have never been bad with kids, but I find playing with kids draining and stressfull. This is because I care about their wellbeing, probably. That is neither here nor there, the stress of the kids was nothing compared to the stress of the other two adults currently residing with me. I can remember the first time I really felt betrayed by my husband. I saw him in the kitchen talking with his new buddy as she was making us dinner. I asked him to keep me company in the kitchen on so many occasions only to be blown off for sports or some stand-up comedian. But this woman gets his full attention as she cleans and cuts potatoes. I could not understand why the events hurt me so badly, so I did not mention anything, figuring it was all unfounded and ridiculous. More and more, things would jump out as thing he would do to help this friend of his, but would be too tired or not want to do for me. It ate at me until I found myself halfway through an 18 mile run in tears, kneeling on the pavement. I was heart-broken. I was not worth mowing the lawn for, but every ounce of energy my husband had could be spent on his new girl. I couldn't finish my run. As is the response of all of us who would rather flee than fight, I packed my things, and got ready to spend a night elsewhere. At this time, I unfriended my husband on facebook- mostly to avoid seeing his posts about his mood changes- all based on how he felt about his new girl. It was, of course, at 3AM, and I started putting my things in bags. This woke up my husband, and he wanted to know where I was going. I explained, he apologized, and I did not leave.
Meanwhile, the job and housing fell through for our guest. This increased the stress in her life and the uncertainty of when we would have our living space back put my husband and me on edge. But, I am developing a good sense of self, and I found myself trying to make the best of things. I played with the kids when they were there, but kept in mind that my own sanity was my primary concern, so I would head out to the gym if things felt too stressful or if I needed alone time. I am trying to be mindful of the present and not spend so much energy wishing things were different. It allowed me to enjoy moments I would have never had if I'd continued to be captain grumpy pants. And so things turned, and I was at genuinely happy while in a transient set of unhappiness.
Arguments began occurring and hurt feelings were being had by the other 2 "grown-ups" in the house, and I realized what an unhealthy home I was suddenly and unwillingly a part of. Oh, the facebook posts and twitter feeds would fly, and letters and text messages and all out fights were commonplace in my once peaceful abode. My days off were spent hearing my husband complain or talk about how he felt guilty about things, and his stress was near palpable. I am loyal, and do not like to see my friends hurt or damaged by unhealthy relationships. I certainly did not want my husband hurt, and tried to advise him to let things go and not worry about her, and to hit the gym to relieve some stress. My advice and my suggestions went unheeded. If I were my husband I would ask why he even talks to me if he is not going to listen to any of my life-saving suggestions, but I am willing to be patient because I like to say, "I told you so". And, while frustrated by the situation, I stayed mindful, repeating, "It is what it is."
TO BE CONTINUED. . .
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
My best worst marathon ever.
Signing up for a marathon is always a gamble. You bet that you will be healthy on a day months in advance, that you will be able to avoid injury training up to that day, that you will have trained to run your best marathon yet, and that you will be of sound mind and remember all the crap you need to successfully run a marathon.
June 5, 2011- Rock and Roll Marathon San Diego. Was I mentally ready to go through the checklist of things I would need to have the morning of the race? Nope. Had I gone through training without injury? Nope. Did I have a restful week full of good nutrition and a perfect taper? Of course not. This was not the time for setting a new PR. I knew that going in, and I thought I was okay with it. San Diego is a 6 hour drive, and I planned to sleep the whole way. Why I ever assume that, because I plan on sleep, it will happen, is beyond me. I slept long enough for it to make my neck hurt, and that was the best I could do. The expo was accomplished easily, and my packet was picked up. We got back to the hotel with plenty of time to relax, find some food, and for me to get set for the next day! So, what did I forget? I had no headphones or jacket for my iPod. . .hmm, I could run without music, that'd be ok. I had no socks . . . problem. I could try running without socks . . . uh, no I couldn't. My husband heroically took on the task of getting some headphones and socks from target while I fell into a deep, Ambien-induced sleep. I would be ready to tackle the marathon in the morning!
Morning coffee, some oatmeal, and a running outfit sent me in the right direction for starting a marathon. I left with an hour and 30 minutes to get to the shuttle. Traffic would be a nightmare, but I am a planner, and would never be late. . .traffic was a nightmare, and I was 15 minutes late getting on the shuttle. I laughed that it would only take me twice as long to finish the marathon. The arrogance of such a thought got the attention of universe, and it was determined to teach me some respect! I took my time getting to the start. Since it is all chip timed, I got to wait in line to use the port-o-potty, and then walk over to the starting corrals. I was in a much slower group, so I'd have to do quite a bit of weaving to get this thing done. Qualify for Boston, yes please. Crap, I forgot my Gu. . .Balls, I didn't put sunscreen on my face. . .eh, too late now, let's rock and roll!!!
Pacing myself for the first mile, I kept myself slightly under an 8:30 min/mi. I felt amazing. The temperature was perfect, and my music was motivating my progress. After the first mile, I went for it. I knew I could get that 3:30 time. I could feel my legs, powerful, ready to take on anything! Turned out the course was pretty hilly . . . no matter, I trained in Austin, and my last marathon had hills. I bumped my pace up again, blasting through 2 more miles at a sub 8 min/mile. I let myself drop back to an 8:10 after that to make sure I didn't burn myself out . . . ha ha. I hit mile 7- rather, mile 7 hit me with muscle pain from my quadriceps. That was unexpected. And there I was, ready to run another 19 miles with this pain. "It is no different than the pain you'll feel coming off that 112 mile bike ride", I told myself. And so, I ran on. I could not keep the faster pace, so I had to let go of Boston. That disappointment hurt almost as much as my legs.
Mile 20, the infamous moment when you separate the men from the boys! My heart became too heavy to run with anymore, and it was time to let go. I felt like I had failed myself. I believed I would not become an ironman. Yes, I cried. So many people are impressed by what I can do. My friends, coworkers, family, they wish me good luck and tell me to kick butt, and they know I am powered by discipline and a strong will. My discipline had been weak, my will was tapped out, and I faced the realization that I was going to let us all down.
Mile 22- I quit. I was ready to find the next medical aid tent and have them cart me off the course. What was the point of going on anymore? When I vocalized my intention to quit, the guy next to me said, "No, you can't quit." It surprised me. I forgot what that phrase sounded like when it came from somewhere outside my own head. I would walk, but I would not quit. The difference between walking the last 6 miles of a marathon and quitting seemed small to me. Anyone can walk 6 miles, right? And there I was, watching runners who had properly paced and hydrated zip past me as I felt the full sting of my failure.
Mile 24- Being present. My battery was getting low, and I had to turn off my music. And so my journey began. I came out of my self-focused pity party, and began to realize where I was, and who I was surrounded by the self-proclaimed "stragglers". We each had a story of what we'd wanted to accomplish today, and many of us were not going to make it, but it was indeed a beautiful day for failure. Walking, talking, singing along with the bands that played along the route, and being completely aware of the moment I was in without a rush to get on to the next agenda item, lead me to a peace of mind I had forgotten how to experience. The purity of the moment, and my ability to let go made me realize this marathon was never about Boston. This marathon was for me.
Mile 26- Only a mile to go, so, what the hell, let's get it done right. And I was off. My goal- run a mile. I could feel my quads, but my heart was light again, and the pain just didn't seem so bad. So I took off at an 8:30 min/mi pace, looking like I'd just started this crazy race over again at the last mile. I have never felt so good about a race. I have never been prouder to recieve a medal. And, I have never been in so much pain the next day. I found my limits, and I ran into them full force that day. I will be a stronger person because I chose to complete a marathon on June 5th 2011.
June 5, 2011- Rock and Roll Marathon San Diego. Was I mentally ready to go through the checklist of things I would need to have the morning of the race? Nope. Had I gone through training without injury? Nope. Did I have a restful week full of good nutrition and a perfect taper? Of course not. This was not the time for setting a new PR. I knew that going in, and I thought I was okay with it. San Diego is a 6 hour drive, and I planned to sleep the whole way. Why I ever assume that, because I plan on sleep, it will happen, is beyond me. I slept long enough for it to make my neck hurt, and that was the best I could do. The expo was accomplished easily, and my packet was picked up. We got back to the hotel with plenty of time to relax, find some food, and for me to get set for the next day! So, what did I forget? I had no headphones or jacket for my iPod. . .hmm, I could run without music, that'd be ok. I had no socks . . . problem. I could try running without socks . . . uh, no I couldn't. My husband heroically took on the task of getting some headphones and socks from target while I fell into a deep, Ambien-induced sleep. I would be ready to tackle the marathon in the morning!
Morning coffee, some oatmeal, and a running outfit sent me in the right direction for starting a marathon. I left with an hour and 30 minutes to get to the shuttle. Traffic would be a nightmare, but I am a planner, and would never be late. . .traffic was a nightmare, and I was 15 minutes late getting on the shuttle. I laughed that it would only take me twice as long to finish the marathon. The arrogance of such a thought got the attention of universe, and it was determined to teach me some respect! I took my time getting to the start. Since it is all chip timed, I got to wait in line to use the port-o-potty, and then walk over to the starting corrals. I was in a much slower group, so I'd have to do quite a bit of weaving to get this thing done. Qualify for Boston, yes please. Crap, I forgot my Gu. . .Balls, I didn't put sunscreen on my face. . .eh, too late now, let's rock and roll!!!
Pacing myself for the first mile, I kept myself slightly under an 8:30 min/mi. I felt amazing. The temperature was perfect, and my music was motivating my progress. After the first mile, I went for it. I knew I could get that 3:30 time. I could feel my legs, powerful, ready to take on anything! Turned out the course was pretty hilly . . . no matter, I trained in Austin, and my last marathon had hills. I bumped my pace up again, blasting through 2 more miles at a sub 8 min/mile. I let myself drop back to an 8:10 after that to make sure I didn't burn myself out . . . ha ha. I hit mile 7- rather, mile 7 hit me with muscle pain from my quadriceps. That was unexpected. And there I was, ready to run another 19 miles with this pain. "It is no different than the pain you'll feel coming off that 112 mile bike ride", I told myself. And so, I ran on. I could not keep the faster pace, so I had to let go of Boston. That disappointment hurt almost as much as my legs.
Mile 20, the infamous moment when you separate the men from the boys! My heart became too heavy to run with anymore, and it was time to let go. I felt like I had failed myself. I believed I would not become an ironman. Yes, I cried. So many people are impressed by what I can do. My friends, coworkers, family, they wish me good luck and tell me to kick butt, and they know I am powered by discipline and a strong will. My discipline had been weak, my will was tapped out, and I faced the realization that I was going to let us all down.
Mile 22- I quit. I was ready to find the next medical aid tent and have them cart me off the course. What was the point of going on anymore? When I vocalized my intention to quit, the guy next to me said, "No, you can't quit." It surprised me. I forgot what that phrase sounded like when it came from somewhere outside my own head. I would walk, but I would not quit. The difference between walking the last 6 miles of a marathon and quitting seemed small to me. Anyone can walk 6 miles, right? And there I was, watching runners who had properly paced and hydrated zip past me as I felt the full sting of my failure.
Mile 24- Being present. My battery was getting low, and I had to turn off my music. And so my journey began. I came out of my self-focused pity party, and began to realize where I was, and who I was surrounded by the self-proclaimed "stragglers". We each had a story of what we'd wanted to accomplish today, and many of us were not going to make it, but it was indeed a beautiful day for failure. Walking, talking, singing along with the bands that played along the route, and being completely aware of the moment I was in without a rush to get on to the next agenda item, lead me to a peace of mind I had forgotten how to experience. The purity of the moment, and my ability to let go made me realize this marathon was never about Boston. This marathon was for me.
Mile 26- Only a mile to go, so, what the hell, let's get it done right. And I was off. My goal- run a mile. I could feel my quads, but my heart was light again, and the pain just didn't seem so bad. So I took off at an 8:30 min/mi pace, looking like I'd just started this crazy race over again at the last mile. I have never felt so good about a race. I have never been prouder to recieve a medal. And, I have never been in so much pain the next day. I found my limits, and I ran into them full force that day. I will be a stronger person because I chose to complete a marathon on June 5th 2011.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
A girl's just as hot as the shoes she choose
Ah, nothing like the cliche thought of a woman and her shoes. Shoes are the foundation of fashion, and for women, they have the power to bring joy in so many ways. What better moment in a girl's life than the day she gets her first pair of heels (usually she is under the age of 5, and her shoes are plastic). Then, there is our first set of ballet slippers. I can remember dancing in those slippers until I was too tired to stand, and falling into my mothers lap after she watched the entire "ballet" (which was more like random jumping and flailing, but it was beautiful in its own way). Some girls had tap shoes, and though I never wanted to tap dance, I always loved the click of those shoes! The impact of a pair of shoes can sometimes surprise you. I had a pair of flip flops that traveled the world with me- bright green, ugliest pieces of crap you've ever seen, but I loved them dearly because of the memories associated with them.
I stare at a closet filled with shoes. Each of them define me. They give me purpose. I am not your typical shoe shopper. I do not care what color of shoes I am buying. I do not care if my purse matches my purchase. I only think about what the shoes allow me to accomplish. Every pair of shoes I wear has a title identifying its function: running shoes, biking cleates, hiking boots, paragliding boots, dress shoes. Shoes are a reflection of what you intend to accomplish. My running shoes tell the world, "I intend to exercise". My heels imply, "I am going out". My cycling cleats say, "I will be on my bike soon". And, my flip flops say "I will be doing very little".
I stare at a closet filled with shoes. Each of them define me. They give me purpose. I am not your typical shoe shopper. I do not care what color of shoes I am buying. I do not care if my purse matches my purchase. I only think about what the shoes allow me to accomplish. Every pair of shoes I wear has a title identifying its function: running shoes, biking cleates, hiking boots, paragliding boots, dress shoes. Shoes are a reflection of what you intend to accomplish. My running shoes tell the world, "I intend to exercise". My heels imply, "I am going out". My cycling cleats say, "I will be on my bike soon". And, my flip flops say "I will be doing very little".
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