Being Civil

Facebook, texting, and twitter have completely ruined humanity's ability to be civil. All the passive-aggressive bullshit posts are starting to make me wonder if anyone is really happy with anyone in their lives anymore. I unfriended my husband last week- what a bullshit thing to do! How did we get here? There is a reason why talking to someone face to face about your problem with their current bad habit or the mean thing they implied about you, is uncomfortable. We're supposed to feel apprehension about what we say, not just blurt out whatever is annoying us for the world to see. Oh, look how far we've fallen! People grow close and end up hating each other in a span of months or weeks. We think all our friends need to see that we are having a terrible day. That used to be private. That used to be something you shared over a cup of coffee with your coworker or a beer with a friend. Now, we're just hunched over our iPhone or computer screen bitching about a world we don't even participate in. Talking behind someone's back is normal. We all need to vent once in a while about the boss who took his personal issues out on you, or the friend who implied you'd put on a few pounds. We need to let that out because otherwise it starts to matter too much, and who needs that? But now there is jabbing and not-so-subtle implications thrown about on a website for all your friends to see and comment on. Great, talk about dirty laundry. Who unfriends their husband on facebook??? That's just uncalled for. Oh, what circumstances could lead to such an unfortunate slip in my sanity and peace of mind? And the story is one worth telling. No insults, but here is my take on what has happened in my life these past few weeks:




My husband began to spend time with a friend of his from his old Target days. This person was, of course, a girl, and that automatically puts a wife on edge. I do not allow jealousy to overwhelm, and have trust in my husband, so I did not believe this fact was terribly concerning. Because they had reconnected on Facebook, they tended to talk a lot and got to know each other "well" over the next week. I put "well" in quotes because no one gets to know anyone over Facebook, we all just give you the information that makes us seem pleasant and let you think we've got no character flaws. Before my return from Austin, where I was doing training for work, I had been asked if this girl could stay with us with her 5 children for a couple of weeks while she got all the details worked out for her new apartment. Why not? A couple of weeks can't be too bad.

I came home to the usual stresses of returning to routine. I now had 5 children living in my house, though. I have never been bad with kids, but I find playing with kids draining and stressfull. This is because I care about their wellbeing, probably. That is neither here nor there, the stress of the kids was nothing compared to the stress of the other two adults currently residing with me. I can remember the first time I really felt betrayed by my husband. I saw him in the kitchen talking with his new buddy as she was making us dinner. I asked him to keep me company in the kitchen on so many occasions only to be blown off for sports or some stand-up comedian. But this woman gets his full attention as she cleans and cuts potatoes. I could not understand why the events hurt me so badly, so I did not mention anything, figuring it was all unfounded and ridiculous. More and more, things would jump out as thing he would do to help this friend of his, but would be too tired or not want to do for me. It ate at me until I found myself halfway through an 18 mile run in tears, kneeling on the pavement. I was heart-broken. I was not worth mowing the lawn for, but every ounce of energy my husband had could be spent on his new girl. I couldn't finish my run. As is the response of all of us who would rather flee than fight, I packed my things, and got ready to spend a night elsewhere. At this time, I unfriended my husband on facebook- mostly to avoid seeing his posts about his mood changes- all based on how he felt about his new girl. It was, of course, at 3AM, and I started putting my things in bags. This woke up my husband, and he wanted to know where I was going. I explained, he apologized, and I did not leave.

Meanwhile, the job and housing fell through for our guest. This increased the stress in her life and the uncertainty of when we would have our living space back put my husband and me on edge. But, I am developing a good sense of self, and I found myself trying to make the best of things. I played with the kids when they were there, but kept in mind that my own sanity was my primary concern, so I would head out to the gym if things felt too stressful or if I needed alone time. I am trying to be mindful of the present and not spend so much energy wishing things were different. It allowed me to enjoy moments I would have never had if I'd continued to be captain grumpy pants. And so things turned, and I was at genuinely happy while in a transient set of unhappiness.

Arguments began occurring and hurt feelings were being had by the other 2 "grown-ups" in the house, and I realized what an unhealthy home I was suddenly and unwillingly a part of. Oh, the facebook posts and twitter feeds would fly, and letters and text messages and all out fights were commonplace in my once peaceful abode. My days off were spent hearing my husband complain or talk about how he felt guilty about things, and his stress was near palpable. I am loyal, and do not like to see my friends hurt or damaged by unhealthy relationships. I certainly did not want my husband hurt, and tried to advise him to let things go and not worry about her, and to hit the gym to relieve some stress. My advice and my suggestions went unheeded. If I were my husband I would ask why he even talks to me if he is not going to listen to any of my life-saving suggestions, but I am willing to be patient because I like to say, "I told you so". And, while frustrated by the situation, I stayed mindful, repeating, "It is what it is."



TO BE CONTINUED. . .