Caffeine after midnight --> 16 hours asleep

Sleep is a constant topic of discussion on the night shift. "Are you going to flip to days this weekend?" "No Caffeine after midnight" or "I woke up at noon, and couldn't get back to sleep." are the conversation starters for the coworkers I spend my work-nights with. In general, we all feel like death warmed over by Saturday, and can barely put an entire sentence together without it turning into a word puzzle for the friend we're talking to. And then, the weekend comes! Wait, the weekend is almost gone . . . call your buddies and see who wants to go out for drinks on a Sunday night. Ok, so, no one? Too bad. I guess you could go have breakfast with a friend on Sunday morning and ramble incoherently about napkins, "I would this napkin were a time napkin!" And, all the while you are drooling on yourself as you try to stay awake with yet another cup of coffee. The caffeine works, but only if your goal is to not fall asleep. If you want to be alert and sociable, sleep is probably the better choice.

Easter is this Sunday. Imagine that Easter morning started on Friday at 10 PM after a pretty grueling workday (like you worked 3 hours overtime). Further imagine there being an Easter brunch at this time with your relatives. Follow the timeline here; we've left work late, 8PM, taken off at 10 PM to get to the gathering, and festivities last until around the equivalent of 5AM. Now, you get to go to bed. "Hey," you say, "if I go to bed now, my day will be starting again in only 3 hours!" I suppose you could sleep in until noon, that's a good 7 hours of sleep. But let's, for the sake of argument say that it is pitch black outside at noon, and your spouse will be getting ready for bed within the hour because they are going to work in the morning. Well, there's always the option to stay awake those 7 hours and then go to bed with the spouse. Of course, you will be completely unable to process any information for those 7 hours, your body will start exhibiting flu-like symptoms, and you will become a tad irritable (like, you will visualize the death of people who complain to you about being "tired" or "sleepy" because they don't have a freaking clue what it feels like). Me, I'm going to opt for the sleep until noon option. Though, to be clear, noon is actually 10 PM, and I will be going to bed around 3 in the afternoon. So, does this mess up my sleep schedule for the next day? Honestly, my plan is to sleep until 10 PM, take some Ambien, and sleep until 6AM so I can jump out of bed and get in my long bike ride (80 miles this time)! If you haven't slept for 16 hours straight before, try it. You wake up disoriented. Of course, if you are taking drugs to stay asleep, you generally don't want to take on many dangerous tasks in the first couple hours of your morning. I literally bump into walls.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. I intend to have a lot of fun at the Easter picnic, playing with my dogs, and chatting with my relatives. We might even get to play some softball. Very likely, I will play some Frisbee. There will be food, possibly a breakfast burrito in it for me. I am also looking forward to a seriously epic bike ride all around town. My only regret is that I will not be able to remember any of it. . .

First ride to work on my new bike!

I rode 12.5 miles to work this morning (technically yesterday afternoon).  I am pretty impressed with how slow you can go with a slightly (let's be honest, a much) heavier bike.  I loaded the bike rack up with all my food and clothing for the day (because we can't be without an extra change of clothes for the gym, now can we?).  The weather was perfect, you know, not too cold, but not so hot that a single water bottle wouldn't get me to my destination.  I get really stressed out on my drive to work sometimes, and riding my bike helps me out in a few ways.  The first is, I leave so early that there is no stress about getting in late.  Next, I don't have to fret that I forgot to get gas on my way home the "night" before.  And, there is not a lot of stop and go traffic in the bike lane.  But, the best of all, is that I get a nice dose of pre-work endorphines to start the day off right!

My legs are really sore from my long run on Tuesday.  I ran 16 miles, and I am too sore.  I let myself get "out of shape" I guess.  I need to be more disciplined about keeping my schedule.  I can't do my long bike ride until next week because of Easter, but after that, I should be good to start building my way back up to 100 miles.  I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can.

There's no telling what you could've done if you hadn't just given up

I feel sometimes as though I can see myself divided into two women, and they face eachother on a battlefield within my mind.  My negative, self-hating ogre faces off against the ambitious, self-assured heroine.  Despair overwhelms me. I stop caring.  I stop trying.  The ogre is winning.  But, there is fight in me, and I can feel our heroine gaining momentum.  I don't know why the battle needs to be so dramatic.  I don't understand why logic cannot just determine who should win.  The ogre has never been good for me, and I don't know where she comes from.  For the moment, I think we have banished the creature to her cave, and we might have a little peace to focus on getting things done.

I am ready to go again.  I dragged myself to the gym tonight, too late for spin class.  I grabbed "Fitness" magazine and took my rightful place on the failure's throne, the elliptical.  I love the elliptical, but it is where I go when I cannot muster up enough willpower to hit the treadmill.  When I'm on that machine it can feel as though I've given up.  As I thumbed through pages of beauty tips and workout routines, I began to feel better.  The comfort of the familiar problem statement, product to use, solution for you, formula began to bring a sense of peace to my battling feelings.  I felt good about my choice to use the elliptical, and I began to realize that I am adjusting to my sleep schedule. I will have some workouts I will not want to do because I am tired, but isn't this the type of discipline most people have to have when they hit the gym?  I'm not suffering anything new, and I am certainly not going to be suffering alone.  My husband's encouragement is finally sinking in, and I am realizing that even though my workouts are mostly done alone, the pride I'll feel in my acomplishements will always be shared.

The best laid plans of IronMen

Excel files pile up on my desktop with filenames like: IMtraining.xls, TrainingPlan.xls, MealPlan3.xls, and workoutroutine.xls.  The files are a cruel reminder of the failed plans, and the need to adapt to new hours.  The summer is coming. . .summertraining.xls here we come.  The loss of my old routine leaves me with a kind of grief.  I am losing the comfort of the familiar, and trying to rebuild my lifestyle around hot weather and daytime sleeping.  I have a passion for planning, for making things work, but I've completed my plan, and cannot shake the feeling of defeat.  This is a plan that looks unbearable on paper, filled with hours of workouts after 12 hour shifts.  The goal of finishing IMAZ in less than 12 hours dances in my mind, mocks me.  I have months of training ahead of me, and I have plowed headfirst into the wall.  I'm in the best shape of my life, set a PR for both a marathon and a metric century bike race this year, yet, I feel as though my accomplishments will be in vain.  They were supposed to be stepping stones to greatness, but now, I can't shake the feeling that I am drowning. . .

Motivation. . .lacking. . .need. . .chocolates. . .

Demotivator:

Nothing derails your training quite like watching a 60 year old with a beer gut zip past you while you ride your little heart out.  I am the first to admit, I am not a great cyclist, but come on guys!  I know the rules, ride more, do intervals etc.  I can get faster, sure, I just need to train as much as my 60 year-old buddy, Jimbo.  I am sure his training for this race was at least as intense as mine.  I'm sure he was hitting the gym for spin class twice a week, and his long rides took him up hills far more punishing that South Mountain.  His training schedule included a far more rigorous nutrition plan as well.  He's been eating nothing but the highest quality protein, MUFAs and complex carbohydrates.  He's been so strict on himself to lose the extra few pounds he swears are keeping him from averaging that 20 mph goal he's been striving to achieve that all his friends and co-workers tease him about what he's not going to eat that week.  Well, good for him.  I'm glad he made so many sacrifices to get so fast. . .

Drugs:

You know what else will buck you right of that horse?  A sudden change in your work schedule from 3p-3a to 6p-6a.  Since I am already struggling with sleep deprivation, let's just make it a touch worse by sending me home at sunrise.  It's a conspiracy, I tell you!  There is someone in management who just bought stock in whatever pharmaceutical company is currently churning out my monthly supply of ambien.  It is not that I am unable to sleep without the drug. . .I'm just unable to stay asleep without the drug.  This cute little problem makes it so I am a constant user during my workweek just to make sure I get enough sleep to remain conscious for my full 12 hour shift.  I am not complaining though. . .well, I am, but I will get used to this schedule, and things will be fine.  Besides, it gives me a chance to improve my cycling since I can now ride to work 3 days a week. . . I tell myself this to cheer me up when I am dragging my tired, sleep deprived body home at 6 in the morning.  Yes, the concept of getting more exercise cheers me up.  It IS a drug for me, yes.  Don't judge, you have your drugs too.  Perhaps, chocolate?  Maybe, your TV watching. . .hmm?  Perhaps your constant need for friendships?  Thank goodness I don't need friends because this schedule would make it impossible to create any kind of support network if you were say... suffering from severe depressive episodes . . .

Feeding:

Hopeless, I struggle to get back on track with my nutrition.  My whole plan fell apart because I could not see my IM dreams coming to life in the darkness of night.  I could not fathom the midnight training that must soon become my routine.  It exhausts me to think that summer is coming, and I will not be able to rise for my long ride until noon.  Ideas for when to train have been rolling around in my brain like marbles, colliding with one another and generating head-aches the likes of which only sleep-deprived, brain-munched, zombies can fully understand.  My nutrition went from controlled and planned to, F-it, I am going to eat this whole box of cereal- 2 days tops!  Cookies?  Bring it!  If beer guts can pass me on the bike, bring on the carbohydrates!!  Veggies? F-em, let's try jelly beans.  Fruit?  Sure, if it is covered in chocolate.  Peanut butter- better bring an extra jar if you want any because I am going to spoon this into my mouth until I puke.  Food is comforting.  Food is something that represents friendships and the gathering of people for celebrations.  That is why I eat it when I am lonely and my life spirals out of control.  Do I have an eating disorder?  Do I look like I have an eating disorder?  Where the hell did all the frosted flakes go?  But, I do have to hit the bottom. . .I have tried to abort the downward spiral.  It is like trying to suspend a ball in mid-air by blowing on it.  Eventually, you have to breathe, and then it comes down on your face. . .

My First Bike Race

I rode my first bike race this past weekend.  It was incredible!  I went from work to grab some breakfast and drive to the start, got there at about 5:15.  The race started at 6:15.  With 1300 cyclists and no staggering for the start, I was pretty nervous about getting knocked down or hitting another rider.  The start was intense, the gun went off, and we started out on a downhill traveling at 25 mph.  What a thrill!  I was scared out of my mind.  I was not there to set any records.  I didn't even set a time goal.  I was there to have fun.  I hadn't done a race without a goal since my second marathon.  It was great to take my time at the SAG stations, munch on pretzels and fruit, get some water, and talk with strangers about the weather and their hometown's weather. 

The ride was a total of 72 miles.  I completed it in 4:25 averaging 16.3 mph.  As people twice my age zoomed past me, I reminded myself that they probably slept the night before :-).