I feel sometimes as though I can see myself divided into two women, and they face eachother on a battlefield within my mind. My negative, self-hating ogre faces off against the ambitious, self-assured heroine. Despair overwhelms me. I stop caring. I stop trying. The ogre is winning. But, there is fight in me, and I can feel our heroine gaining momentum. I don't know why the battle needs to be so dramatic. I don't understand why logic cannot just determine who should win. The ogre has never been good for me, and I don't know where she comes from. For the moment, I think we have banished the creature to her cave, and we might have a little peace to focus on getting things done.
I am ready to go again. I dragged myself to the gym tonight, too late for spin class. I grabbed "Fitness" magazine and took my rightful place on the failure's throne, the elliptical. I love the elliptical, but it is where I go when I cannot muster up enough willpower to hit the treadmill. When I'm on that machine it can feel as though I've given up. As I thumbed through pages of beauty tips and workout routines, I began to feel better. The comfort of the familiar problem statement, product to use, solution for you, formula began to bring a sense of peace to my battling feelings. I felt good about my choice to use the elliptical, and I began to realize that I am adjusting to my sleep schedule. I will have some workouts I will not want to do because I am tired, but isn't this the type of discipline most people have to have when they hit the gym? I'm not suffering anything new, and I am certainly not going to be suffering alone. My husband's encouragement is finally sinking in, and I am realizing that even though my workouts are mostly done alone, the pride I'll feel in my acomplishements will always be shared.
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Listen to how this sounds. You feel like a failure because instead of doing cardio exercise A, you're doing slightly less impactful but equally cardio-intensive exercise B. That's cuckoo bananas.
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness, what you're doing is amazing. I don't mean that it's amazing like the churros from Costco are amazing. What you do literally amazes me. You're going to do great in IMAZ not despite your crappy schedule and the oppressive heat, but because of them.
Starting next week, I'll start running in the mornings with you. I just hope you're okay with me slowing you down.
Man, I know just how you feel. I sometimes joke w/ the woman that I am bipolar. Clearly, I am not bipolar in the normal sense of the word, but I still have two personalities dueling themselves in my mind. I am either overly ambitious, motivated, and confident, or I am depressed, self defeating, and angry. I'm also pretty sure I misused some punctuation in that last sentence. I'm sure you are like me and will shake out of your funk almost magically and without thought. You will wake up one day and be refreshed and re motivated to tackle your goals as only a heroine could.
ReplyDeleteHave I ever told you about The Board?
ReplyDeletePS- my word verification was "undedip" Heh. Undedip.